We all make choices. The choice that matters most happens in that split second before we respond to something said or done. This is even truer today as our words become forever etched in social media. I’ve seen this take dark turns this week in a classroom blow-up between students, in political in-civility, and personal weakness.
Proverbs reminds us, “A gentle answer turns away anger, but a harsh word stirs up wrath.” (Proverbs 15:1, CSB) That’s the split-second choice. Do we follow our own emotions and generally make things worse, or find the words to de-escalate the moment?
A gentle answer is still based on truth. The proverb isn’t suggesting lies to make people feel good. But we can speak truth harshly or gently. We can talk down to people or speak with one another as equals. Do we want to be heard, or do we want to make our point? Do we want to win the argument or gain a friend?
Sure, sometimes even the gentle answer receives anger in return. But that becomes their choice and stumbling block. Fighting anger with anger rarely gets us anywhere and usually increases the heat of the moment. Fighting anger with a gentle answer has a chance to douse the flames and create a moment of truth.
Also note that the proverb says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” An answer implies a question or criticism. While a word implies a statement. One is hearing the concerns of another, the other is spouting their own opinion. Remember what James says, “My dear brothers and sisters, understand this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger.” (James 1:19, CSB) And there lies a hidden truth. The gentle answer hears the other person or side. A later proverb says, “The one who gives an answer before he listens— this is foolishness and disgrace for him.” (Proverbs 18:13, CSB)
So, the real choice is, do we listen first? That habit of listening acts as a governor, keeping us out of the anger loop. Listening gives us the beat, the moment of time, we need to respond gently instead of harshly. It’s not about winning the argument but providing truthful answers in a way that may reach open ears.
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